Dead Plant Walking.

Did you know that Lowe's has a 365 day return policy on plants? 

I do.

When I buy a plant, I look for two things: 

1 - Does it have a tag on it that says any or all of the following words: hardy, tolerant, "plant of steel" (yes, they really have those), bulletproof, masochist

2 - When it does inevitably start to meet its demise, how quickly will it show signs? (in other words, how long will I be able to delay the trip of shame back to Lowe's to return it)

With the exception of two or three plants over the course of my adult life, I have killed every green life I have purchased. And I should note - I have had to purchase them. No one in their right mind would willingly bestow a plant on me when they know well and good that I'm going to kill it. Being brought over the threshold into my house or my office is like an express ticket to death row.

In fact, when I do go to purchase (or return) a plant and I have my two minions in tow, they will often cheerily inform the cashier that their mother is like a walking plant executioner. And I can't blame them. I am guessing that the Lowe's people pretty much know the fate of that plant when I intentionally verify (once again) the return policy every time I go there. 

It has gotten to an embarrassing point, though. Moments I am not proud of include being informed that I need to water a plant more than once a month and realizing that my lucky bamboo is not turning yellow because of the seasons changing. 

I now tape my receipts to the bottom of each plant just to make the transition process from grave to rebirth easier. My friends have even started stepping in out of the concern for plant welfare. I have had a plant repossessed or place into protective custody on more than one occasion. I have a very low rate of success in regaining possession. 

I can crochet. I can teach. I can write. I can paint and sew and drive a car and keep 2 children alive.

But my tombstone will most likely read: Plant Killer.